{this isn't going to be pretty}

It's been a rough week at work and I joked today that tomorrow it's my turn to cry.

I really don't want that to be true, so I'm hoping by getting this all out right now, I can avoid the crying & let someone else let it out tomorrow.

*HP customer service sucks. Big time. I know how this is going to sound, but if you had English speaking people answer the phones, things would go so much smoother. I'm not an idiot. If I say the part doesn't fit, it doesn't fit.

*There are 4-5 nursing homes within walking distance of my office. There are ambulances in front of them on a regular basis. I fight back tears everytime I see one. The sight instantly brings me back to Mother's Day 1994. The day that ended with me defying my mom and refusing to leave the hospital. The day I held my grandmas hand as she took her last breath. She was so special to me and for the past 13+ years, I've thought of her every day...and spoke to her most of those days also. But for some reason, it's not until recently that I realize just how much I miss her. In the next few years, the time will come where I will have spent more years without her than with her. That scares me.

*While discussing Thanksgiving plans, I made the simple comment of 'My mom's cooking' and then had to leave the room. She won't be able to do that forever. She won't be able to do that much longer. I'm not ready for that. I don't know how to make the pineapple dressing. I don't know how to go a day without talking to her. I'm just not ready.

*i hate you james haller. i hate you for making me believe. i hate you for bringing em into this. i hate everyday last week, i thought to myself, this time last year billy was almost here... i hate that everytime I hear about washington i think to myself, i'm supposed to be there. i hate knowing that you spent thanksgiving with her and your children. i hate that she forgave you. i hate that you choose her, even though i didn't know there was a choice, even though once i knew of her, i wouldn't have let you choose me. i hate that i feel the need to explain this to every guy i go out with, to explain why i question things & doubt things the way i do. i hate that i hate this so much.

today is my turn to cry.