{sometimes}

Sometimes I look around & think, man, I should have never left St Pete.

I may still be in that tiny old house.
I may still be at a dead end job that caused me migraines.
I may still be with Billy, waiting for a day that would never come.

There's pros & cons to each of those.

I'd love to be in my own place.
I'd love to still have the pay of that stupid job.
I'd love to have that person to come home to (most) every day.

But I wouldn't have met some of the people that I met upon my return to Orlando... including B.
I wouldn't be pregnant right now. At least not with THIS baby.

I'm so torn lately.
It's the same old 'I have so much to be thankful for, why do I feel as if I'm missing so much?'

I've always prayed. In my own way.
But lately, I feel myself turning more towards it.
And I don't know if that's right or not.
I feel like I'm taking advantage of it in a way. Like I only turn when I need something.

Again, torn.

I start a new job tomorrow.
Emma starts 3rd grade tomorrow.
In about 16 weeks, there will be a whole new human in our lives and if things go as planned, I'll be able to spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with him for at least a few months.

Yet I'm still left feeling like I'm not where I want to be. That I want so much more.

I feel like the next 2 weeks are going to be the longest ever. And that I'm going to need lots of good thoughts & praying to get me through. And most of all, I hope that the long term result will fill that missing feeling.