While sitting here listening to my stepdad yell at a CVS pharmacist on the phone, I had an AHA moment.
I've had crappy male role models all my life.
Let's start with my dad. The dad that has 2 sons by different women less than 12 months apart. The dad that spent most of my childhood in prison and then the rest of it trying to make up for lost time by treating me like the 5 year old that he remembered me as before he left, never mind the fact that I was a teenager by then. The dad that, like most inmates, found Jesus while serving his time & then went on to try to force religion down my throat. (and now that I think about it, I think I'd be much more faith inclined had I been left to find it on my own) The dad that once told me that a husband should make all the money, pay all the bills and not allow his wife to work & that my ex was no good since he couldn't do that for me...all of this as he choose to travel & lived dependent on his wifes income. The dad who ended what was left of our relationship because I didn't make a car payment quick enough for his likes.
Move onto my stepdad. I sit in this house every day & listen to him.. and my dislike of him grows. With each 'where is ____? I told you to put it somewhere safe!' I want to tell him, YOU want it kept safe, YOU put it somewhere safe. Each angry screaming phone call he makes makes me want to cringe. Is he a good man? I'm sure he is. Is it in his mentality due to his career in law enforcement? Maybe.
Just for arguments sake, add into this an uncle who runs out of milk but never out of cigs & beer. Let's even throw my last relationship in the mix. You know, the boyfriend who had a two children & a pregnant wife 4 states away.
It's no wonder I'm so messed up when it comes to men. Why I never realized this before, I don't know, but at least I know now.
Martha, Kristina & I always joke how we've each disowned a parent. For years I've seen the effects these lost relationships have had on them...and now I know what it's done to me.
I've had crappy male role models all my life.
Let's start with my dad. The dad that has 2 sons by different women less than 12 months apart. The dad that spent most of my childhood in prison and then the rest of it trying to make up for lost time by treating me like the 5 year old that he remembered me as before he left, never mind the fact that I was a teenager by then. The dad that, like most inmates, found Jesus while serving his time & then went on to try to force religion down my throat. (and now that I think about it, I think I'd be much more faith inclined had I been left to find it on my own) The dad that once told me that a husband should make all the money, pay all the bills and not allow his wife to work & that my ex was no good since he couldn't do that for me...all of this as he choose to travel & lived dependent on his wifes income. The dad who ended what was left of our relationship because I didn't make a car payment quick enough for his likes.
Move onto my stepdad. I sit in this house every day & listen to him.. and my dislike of him grows. With each 'where is ____? I told you to put it somewhere safe!' I want to tell him, YOU want it kept safe, YOU put it somewhere safe. Each angry screaming phone call he makes makes me want to cringe. Is he a good man? I'm sure he is. Is it in his mentality due to his career in law enforcement? Maybe.
Just for arguments sake, add into this an uncle who runs out of milk but never out of cigs & beer. Let's even throw my last relationship in the mix. You know, the boyfriend who had a two children & a pregnant wife 4 states away.
It's no wonder I'm so messed up when it comes to men. Why I never realized this before, I don't know, but at least I know now.
Martha, Kristina & I always joke how we've each disowned a parent. For years I've seen the effects these lost relationships have had on them...and now I know what it's done to me.
1 comment:
HUGS!!!!
Don't give up... there are a few left out there that are good guys.
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