I'm so tired lately.

I went to bed at 11:30 last night & slept straight through to 10:30 this morning. Had the phone not rang, I could have easily slept longer.


I know part of it is the pregnancy. But in my heart, I know it's more than that. So many times lately I've looked at B with tears in my eyes & simply said, I'm just so tired. The poor guy, he tries so hard to figure out what I mean, to calm my worries & make things better. But I really don't have a way of describing to him what I mean when I say it...I'm just tired.

I feel selfish moping around, but that's what i seem to do best lately.
I shouldn't though, there's so many great things going on.

Emma is just amazing. She's so helpful, so loving & so caring. She always wants to know exactly where the baby is, always wants to put her hand there & hug on me. She gives me name suggestions all of the time and anytime we're at a store she's busy picking out baby clothes & planning a gift for me. I think she may be the most excited about the ultrasound this week. This will be the first doctors visit she makes with me and she's been talking about it for weeks now.

B is also great. He's still putting in 60+ hours a week at work, but he doesn't miss a beat with me. We were able to spend a few hours together last weekend & went to dinner, saw a movie, did some shopping & stopped for ice cream. I miss those days with him so much. We have to squeeze in time together lately, often it means me going over after he gets off work at 11:30pm and then me leaving for work the next morning by 6:30am. It's crazy, it sucks & I hate that we don't have the time we used to have. I used to loathe sitting in bed, watching TV all day...but what I wouldn't give to be able to do that now. The best thing about him lately? He loves my belly. He points it out to people with pride. He rubs it, kisses it, talks to it, sleeps with his hand on it...he's going to be a great dad.

This pregnancy is going good. It's been tough, not perfect by any means, but it's good. The baby has been kicking up a storm lately. I feel movement all day long, but especially at 9:30 am and pm. It's almost like clockwork. I keep putting my hand on my belly to see if the movement can be felt from the outside, but he moves or stops almost every time. I've decided that I have a stubborn baby already. This afternoon while laying down, I was able to feel a few kicks from the outside though. Hopefully this will keep up and B & Emma will be able to feel it soon. Emma hasn't really mentioned wanting to feel it, but I know B wants to and I feel like he's getting left out by me getting all the action while he wants it so badly.

Even with all that though, I'm so frustrated with other things.
I think I'm going to be moving out of my moms in the next couple of weeks & move in with a friend. B & I plan to be living together before the baby is born, but money isn't making it possible just yet. Even with all the hours he's been putting in lately, he's still playing catch up from being unemployed for 6 months. I'm finding it impossible to put any money away with what my mom expects me to pay to live here. Besides that point, we've been arguing a lot lately. About B. She gets mad when I go to see him and I really haven't been able to figure out or get her to explain why to me. I don't leave the house until Emma is asleep in bed & I always come home in the morning before going to work before Emma wakes up. So basically, she's sleeping the whole time I'm gone. Maybe I'm being unreasonable, but at nearly 30 years old, I think that if my 8 year old is not being mistreated by me doing so, then I should be able to go see the father of my unborn child as I see fitting. She thinks I should take Emma with me when I go there. I think taking an 8 year old out at 11:30 at night is stupid...and I know she agrees, but doesn't want to let me know that. Besides the money & not being able to see B like I want, there's no privacy what so ever here. There's no door knocking, just walking right in. I can't have a phone conversation without everyone being able to hear it. Everything I do is monitored and I swear there's a notebook with tallies of how often I pee in it.
I know she's not going to be happy with me moving to a friends, but at this point I just can't win with her, no matter what I do and I really feel like I need to do this before our mother/daughter realtionship deteriorates.



I want me & B & Emma in our own place.
I want the next few months to fly by so we can hold this baby in our arms.
I want my own family, my own life back.
I'm so tired of things getting pushed back due to money.
I'm tired of having to wait so long when I don't feel as if I'm asking for too much.
I'm just so tired.