I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?

I was supposed to go to Tampa/St Pete this weekend. Originally for the whole weekend, then I shortened it to one day. I want to go. I really do. I want to go to the beach. I want to go to Johnny's Pizza. I want to go the flea market. I even want to go to my favorite grocery store there. I really really do. How stupid is that? For some reason though, I keep going back & forth on if I'm going or not.

So I realize now.... As much as I want to go, I can't.

I just can't.

I can't go & drive those streets & be reminded of those days and those words & those moments... & those lies. So many freakin lies.

I hate that everyday I wake up thinking 'today will be the day that it doesn't bother me anymore' and then something creeps in and reminds me. And it's not just B's lies... It's j too. j and his 5am instant messages, his emails with photos of his new baby. Especially the one where he's looking at her the same way he used to look at me. I don't get it. I really don't.

Add into that the amazing guy I've been spending many hours with...and his stupid job interview 4 states away. I would throw my hands up & surrender if only I wasn't such an optimist. That's clearly obvious, no?

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
-almost lover by A Fine Frenzy


(eta: j is not J... J needs to get his butt up to Orlando. j can keep his as far away as possible.)