{a vent}

Something is really bugging me. If I could tell you excatly what it was, I would. But I can't pinpoint it and that bugs me even more. I don't know who to be mad at. I don't know why I'm mad. I just now that I'm mad. That it bugs me. Big time.

I don't know why I don't just stop it from happening. I can't stop it, I know I can't stop it, but I could make my opinion known. And I've tried. I tried that months ago & it made no difference. It only went further. And it was done behind my back, which makes me even more mad. Seriously. I don't know if I want to scream or cry.

The day after I met him, I told everyone I know that I met the man I was going to marry. I really thought I had. He fed me all the right lines. And I ate them up. There was only one person that wasn't as excited as I was. The same person that has been called bitter. The one that knocks down & finds something wrong with every guy that I'm interested in. This same person is now making excuses for him. They've been talking behind my back for months. Months. Months of not getting the full story. Months of basiclly being lied to.

Deep down, I know her reasons and they are what keep me from getting mad at her. Not the point though. She's my friend. She's one of my best friends. She told him that, that there's 5 years of history between us & that a guy will not come between that. She told him that she was looking out for my best interests, that he needed to be honest & upfront with me, that she didn't want to see me hurt. What does she think this is? This hurts.

It hurts that she dosen't know me well enough to tell that I'm lieing when I say it's OK. Let's be honest here. It hurts that she's willing to kiss someone that I've kissed. That she's willing to 'go there' with someone that I 'went there' with. It bugs me that she swears up & down that he's not her type & that she's told him that...but that she's still wanting to see him. It bugs me that I don't think she believes me when I tell her that he feed me the same lines he's feeding her.

He didn't break my heart, even though he thinks he did. If he knew how quickly I got over him, he'd be surprised. If he knew the whole truth, which is that I started seeing someone else before he even 'broke it off' with me, he'd be VERY surprised. But that's not to say that it didn't hurt. No matter what anyone says, rejection hurts. It hurts to know that I was so wrong about him. It hurts to think that I thought I had it. I thought I had the perfect guy for me. He talked about our girls growing up together. He talked about family vacations. And I fell for it.

I don't know if I'm jelous that she may date someone that I wanted so badly at one point. I don't know if I'm bitter because she may have a boyfriend out of this...and I don't. OK, it's not that one cause in all honestly, I'm turning guys down nightly. That sounds way concited, but it's true. She even told me today, way to go, you have an abudance of guys, you get to pick which one you want. Maybe that's why she's doing this. Who knows.

I don't trust him. I think he's going to hurt her. She will play it off like it's no big deal, just like I did. But deep down, she'll hurt. I don't want her to get hurt. Especially by him. I'm sitting here worried about her & her feelings. And neither one of them have thought about my feelings.

That's what it is. My feelings. My feelings are hurt. My best friend dosen't seem to care. Instead, she's sitting next to the man I thought I would marry.