{not done yet}

I’m freaking out right now.

Seriously. I don’t know if I should be smiling or crying. It dosen’t help that it’s ‘that time’. Dosen’t help at all.

Over the past week I’ve talked to a couple friends about Jimmy. About how I should handle this now that I’m here. Both of them basiclly told me to write him off, to not waste my time. That if he wanted this to work, he would have tried harder in the begining.

I can’t do that.

I can’t explain to anyone what he means. I wish that they had met him. I wish that they had seen me around him. I wish I could just put it into words. I can’t figure out how to explain that he is everything I have ever dreamed of. He’s the complete package. I can’t explain how every conversation we had, even the unhappy ones, were perfect. How he always said the right things. How he could make one move or say one word & make everything OK, without even knowing what he’d done.

I don’t know if anyone other than me & him will ever understand it. And like I’ve told them before, no one has to understand it. No one has to be OK with the choices he & I made except me & him. And I am OK with them. They weren’t the easy choices, but they were the right ones. If this is the person that I’m ment to be with, forever…then what’s wrong with saying let’s wait a couple months until it’s right, until we can break down the phone lines, computer & webcams?

This man. Wow. This man told me that I’m beautiful. Something no one has ever told me before. Not cute, not hot, not sexy, truthfully, I hear that all the time….but he said beautiful. This man is raw with his emotions. He’s a good dad, a dad that’s fighting to stay in his son’s life. He’s funny. He’s gentle. He’s has the most amazing eyes. He has two teeth that swapped places when he was younger…and when he smiles, I see it & I smile at the thought of knowing those little things about him.

OK. I think I’m done now. I just needed to get that out.