secret #4

This one may change how you think of me...but I hope that it dosen't.

I've been the other girl.

{see layout with lots of journaling here}


I loved that kid. At least with all the love that you can have when your 17. He was my best friend for years. We just had trouble stopping at the friends part sometimes. I could defend myself... I was young, I didn't know he had a girlfriend until things were well underway. But really, I fell into that trap. The 'you're the one I really want' trap. Maybe it wasn't really a trap. He did break up with her. He did come to me & tell me that he was ready. But he was too late. I had moved on, I was engeged, I was pregnant & I turned him away. Possiably the the most easy & most hard thing I've ever done. There was no option, I had a new life, I couldn't run off with him like we had always talked about. But it was still hard to say no, to close that part of my life. Honestly, I don't know that it is closed. I don't know if it will ever be closed.
I recently found out that he's married. That he has a child. Again, with mixed emotions. Happy that he has found love, that he knows the love of a child, but sad that it's not our child, our love. When I think of my first love, I think of him. When I think of my best friends, I think of him. I miss him, I miss the friendship. The way that only he could make me feel, the way he could make me laugh, make me smile. I miss him singing to me.
There are three songs that will always remind me of him: You Were Meant for Me by Jewel
Don't Speak by No Dobut
Life Got In the Way by Sister Hazel

The first two he used to play/sing to me. The last one is one I heard a couple years ago & just fits us to me.

So there, now you know my deepest, darkest secret.