shout...shout...let it all out...

Sometimes I wonder if I could stand in the elevator at work & scream, would anyone hear me. I really feel like testing that out right now.

I love life, I really do. I have a decent job, not amazing, but pays good, has good benifits & I have awesome friends there. I love my family, I love Em more than I can ever explain. I have friends that are always there for me, that mean the world to me. Life in general is good.

Except this one part. It's a never ending battle, a vicious cycle. Not gonna get into details, but the bain of my existance right now is money. There's never enough. I make good money, I really do...but I'm also a single mom. I have a car payment, auto insurance, power bill, water bill, rent, phone bill, health insurance...it goes on and on. Again, not going to get into details, but my ex pays about half of what the state says he should pay in child support. When we split, we agreed to X amount of money a week. It was a mutal agreement. I didn't know what the state guidelines were, but once I looked into it, wow. Now, I can't make him pay more, I don't even feel right asking him to pay more. This was an agreement that he & I came to together, we agreed on the amount of money. Until we are legally divorced, I don't have the right to ask for more. So just get divorced, right? It's been 2 years & I have NO intrest in getting back with him. But, I also don't have $363 sitting around to pay for a divorce with. See? This is the vicious cylce I'm talking about. I don't have any more bills than any other person, but I also support 2 people on the income of 1. I have no back up. And at times like today, I just want to go to bed & cry. Honestly, I do sometimes. Just cry until I can't cry anymore. Then I pick myself up and start again. Nothing gets solved, nothing changes, but damm I feel better.

So now I'm here again. Basiclly broke. There's money in the bank, I just got paid, but it's all allocated. Everything in the bank & then some. I don't live high. I shop at Save-a-Lot. I gas up when I see the cheapest priced gas. I don't even have cable TV. Yet I find myself in this spot all the time. And I'm over it. I'm tired of it. I'm going to cry now.